Disclaimer: Read at your own risk! This post can have a life changing effect!
This post is about how I do what I want. At least I try to. When I was faced with a sudden decisions I never thought I would find myself in I took some time and realized that I didn’t have to please people anymore.
When I first saw this photo I thought to myself… I feel like that odd storm trooper that is looking around wondering what is going on and what else I could be doing right now other than standing here in this line listening to things I don’t want to hear. I have always felt restless and that there was something else I want to do with my time. I worked jobs that sounded pretty good and that made me feel pretty good for a short period of time.
I always felt restless and like there was something so much bigger than what I was doing, that I could be doing.
But I never quite had that fulfilled feeling. You know the one deep down that when you sit still you take a deep breath and it just all seems right?
I am starting a journey into the unknown. I am jumping off the paved road and etching out my own path. I am doing all of this against the grain of how it’s “usually” done.
My story into the unknown occurred one day when my husband was packing a Uhaul truck and hadn’t spoken to me in months.
It took me almost being destroyed to realize that it was an opportunity to strike out on my own. Health problems be damned! Anxiety be damned! I was going to accept it all and love it all and find my way despite it all.
I couldn’t breathe at the thought of having to be someone I had not been in many years. How the hell could I go back to these terrible jobs, miss time with my kids and give up the life I just spent 10 long years building.
I wasnt going quietly into the night accepting defeat. I was going to steer this ship into warmer safer waters. Ok I know done with the puns. But in all seriousness I was going to do it my way!
Like my favorite saying from a 3 yr old
“I do it my own self!”
What did this mean to me? It meant despite the criticism of doing things differently
I was going to achieve greatness in a whole new way, a way that I defined!
Then it hit me. I was going against the grain. I was swimming upstream from all my friends and family. The ones that in their best intentions followed the formula for success by doing the school and getting the job. Sure some were perfectly content and if that is you then Brava! I am very happy for you. I tried this path and was a sulking miserable grump.
I hope if you are reading this and you got this far you pat yourself on the back. (Not just because I am long winded!) Seriously because you deserve it. I hope I can help you stand up and claim the life you want. Despite whatever challenges you face.
They may be just like mine. Some may be more difficult and some may be easier.
Now if you are anything like me you got up and put on your big girl panties… or boxers or whatever undergarments you wear or don’t wear. (Totally different subject!) and you got to work. But wait if we are creating a new path where the hell do we start? and what the hell do we do? and how the hell do we know if it’s what is going to work? Well if you want definite answers this isn’t the place. If you want change and are willing to deal with growing pains we are now kindred spirits. We have all heard the only thing for sure is death and taxes or some version of this and it might be true. I can tell you that when you accept where you are and be ok with it your growth starts that second. The world will open up to you. Ask and ye shall receive kind of stuff.
I have been in so many dark places emotionally and physically in my life. It has been a bumpy road so far. I wont get into details to spare you the novel but I will tell you this.
I lost my best friend, my brother and a person that I swear was my twin flame in life. We were cut from the same cloth, kindred spirits. He literally was part of me and he died. He left me and I thought I was dying too. It’s been 3 years and the pain is still severe but I try to accept it daily. I dont wish it away anymore or try to numb it.
So I lost him and then exactly 2 years after, my husband told me he wanted a divorce and he was moving out. It was too much for me. I went into a spiral of panic and lost my mind. (Not literally, it sure felt like it thought).
All I could think about was everything I was going to lose that I had fought so hard to get. The house, the animals ( chickens, dogs) the stability of having another adult around despite the fact that he didn’t do much outside of his career away from us. Suddenly all I could think was this was the worst thing that could happen and I can’t deal with it. I started thinking small again. I started thinking I can’t live this way or feel this way. Let me spare you the complete spiral by saying it was bad it went deep and lasted for about 9 months.
I found myself googling crap like how to live after your husband leaves… OMG. I just admitted that. I hope you appreciate the humility here. I was hearing it from all sides about how I should handle every little situation and with great intent from those giving the advice most of the time. I was trying to commit to this new plan where everything I wanted went away and I started over completely in a new direction.
Yet something deep inside me kept screaming out that I didn’t want to do this and it was a mistake. For months I kept putting things off.
Another sign that it’s not what you need to be doing. If there is a constant level of resistance look deeper to see what it’s telling you.
Resistance can be preprogrammed ideas that don’t work and need to be let go. Or they can be a wound that hasn’t healed properly. They can be your deep down self that realizes something isn’t for you. Listen to it and be patient and calm and let it be what it is and accept it so you can deal with it properly and move forward freely.
I am here to tell you that you got this!
YOU, yes you can do this. Whatever the mountain is that you need to climb you can do it. You will do it and you will be so proud of yourself.